Many of us, including our friends and family, go about our daily lives with grief. We mask it. We hide it, and even tuck it away to deal with another day. The consequence of this is called the boomerang effect. When you don’t address a negative emotion, it will circle back. It will have gained momentum, direction, and force. The intensity surely can’t be ignored the second time around; yet often we try not to think about it.
A famous study published in 1987 by Dr. Daniel Wegner (then Trinity University, later at Harvard) found fundamental evidence in social psychology. The harder you try not to think about something, the more likely you ARE to think about it. He challenged students, “Do not think of a white bear.” Sure enough the imagery was concrete. In his subsequent experiments, trying to not think about bad habits (smoking, drinking) to anxiety-producing topics (rape, grief) all produced same results.
Keep in mind that grief doesn’t just dissolve every so quickly. It comes and goes in waves gradually, and is sometimes triggered by yet another feeling, song, smell, or picture. However, each time you acknowledge it (don’t let it get tucked away), you can then deal with it in any healthy, proper, acceptable way that matters to you. Run, hike, dance, chop wood, cook, garden, cry, laugh – all that matters is you are getting out the negative energy and emotion in order to understand it doesn’t define you, it is not who you are, and you can live a healthier, happier life without the negativity (whatever form it takes for you).
Nothing will change unless we try to change. Until then, we only see what our eyes see, and know the stories our minds tell us. This is where we start. The beginning of transformation that we all crave is initiated by dealing with the bad habits, negative self-chatter, and discarded feelings. It is uncomfortable at first until you realize the most important, profound, deep, unchanging fact – those emotions do not define you. You are not sad. You are not grief. You are not any of those temporary emotions. You are much more powerful when you use your brain, body, and your surroundings to your advantage to bring up your spirits and confidence to operate at your highest, human level. Never give up, because it will come back around for you.
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